10/02/2020 (Fri) 10:42:11
Back from seeing the ex. Pretty intense 3 hours.
We were at a very busy inner-city area of Melbourne. Walking down the street to where she said she is, outside priceline.
Spotted her from a mile away, heart rate increases dramatically. Wondering why I'm feeling social anxiety before speaking to someone I've spent so much time with.
Sat down next to her and it was pretty awkward. "Hey", "hey" back. Basic small talk about how shes liking the area, her housemates, all that shit. Even just sitting next to her I could feel the feels coming on hard. We got coffee and and went to a pretty busy park but found quite a private area. Sat together and after a little while she just asked me "so what do you want to talk about".
I very quickly just lost it, voice broke and got those tears flowing. I'm not 100% but I think that was the first time she's seen me cry before. It was pretty upsetting to her. I told her how I've been laying off the piss and exercising and eating healthy and stuff. Most of the conversation was me apologies for my behaviour and how I had treated her, how I'd fucked it before when she left me the last time and then I fucked it up again. How I thought leaving her would help me get my head straight and that it was infact me that, like usual, was sabotaging myself with my self-destructive tendencies and general mongery. Here we are sat in this park and I'm wiping my tears away with a fucking face mask every 5 minutes.
She mentioned how one of her housemates had taught her how to ride a bike, which is something she had asked me several times to do while I've known her. I just fucking lost it at that point thinking about how much of a neglectful fuckwit I had been. There was a lot more said but you get the idea.
After 2 hours I hinted at us going our seperate ways and she said if I wanted to keep talking I could go to her place. Queue a bulge with the gravity of 1000 suns. Said she wouldn't mind having a dart together in the back yard. Drove to her place. It was like we were together again, just cruising by the beach during the sunset the windows down. It was perfect. Got to her place, went inside, rolled a cigarrette and went to sit outside. One of her neighbours was there. Kind of awkward but we had a bit of a conversation after they left. Didn't bang her. Probably for the best. Said my dues and went home.
I feel good about it. I'm glad I could admit my sorrow and remorse. She said she forgave me, and that I should move forward, but I just couldn't keep it together as I asked her to please try to remember me for the good times and not the majority of times when I was just a cunt. I asked her if I'd ever see her again and she said we'll see. Not sure if I will.
Fuckin such a nice night out. Everybody buying tinnies, neighbour gave me a new houseplant. Some oaties would just fuckin polish this all off. I have not felt this calm and positive in a long time. Hopefully the possibility of seeing her again just as a friend will help me get over her as a Monaro as times goes on? I'm not sure.
FUCKIN HOW ARE YAS