Also it's embarrassing to admit but at this point I've probably done not insignificant damage to my brain. I don't drink or do drugs but I have two or three other vices (depending on criteria I guess) and I've indulged way too much for several years now. I think if I were to get a regular job that was the least bit intellectual I could probably do it but I'd have to go through the whole process of starting off with something easier first and ramping it up gradually from there, as I did with night school (I took chess and art classes at a local library before, as a way to practice socialization, since I had been a total shut-in NEET for so long). But it's not that that's stopping me, it's the lack of willpower, ambition, drive, whatever you want to call it. I have no reasons to "live", only reasons to sit at the computer and stay put, nothing left to give, no gas in the tank