Anonymous
02/07/2021 (Sun) 08:01:14
[Preview]
No. 19866
del
>>19864 I mean it could be that it's not that bad at all. The problem could be on my end. There certainly are people who have it worse than me, plenty of them. But somehow they march forward whereas for me my comparatively mild suffering feels absolutely unbearable. For years I latched on to mechanisms that helped me escape or detach psychologically and made life bearable even if I had to deal with the sickening feeling of being left out and wasting my youth. Now that I try to actually face life, moving to a small town, seeing my dad again, meeting my only sibling, presumably getting my first job soon, it feels like not only were my beliefs about the world and life correct, they were actually too optimistic
It feels sort of like how I imagine it would feel to be an explorer/scavenger in a post apocalyptic desolate earth. You barely survive in one region, struggling and suffering tremendously, then when it's run out of resources you're forced to move on to the next one, only to find that it's just as desolate and the climate is even harsher there. And you have to live the rest of your life knowing that there's nothing much better than this out there, there are no lush paradises, everything is some degree of mediocre or horrible
I don't say such things to get anyone to feel bad for me (even though you're all very fine and empathetic people), I'm just trying to put my worldview into words. If I were to somehow reclaim from the universe what I'm owed, I'd have to take so much. But I wouldn't really know how. I'd just do the kind of stuff criminals do. Charge headfirst into the bars like a dumb animal that could never figure out how a lock works. Because I don't know where to find something that could provide me lasting happiness. I guess maybe the only realistic solution here is to mess with my mind until I can enjoy the taste of shit