I am finally starting to piece together many things.
There was a process like a month ago when I got the choice: Kill or be killed. It's important on the path because killing someone gives you a sense of power. You know you have power over death (of others). But as you move on the path you realize that kill gave you a scar that you cannot heal and you reach a dead end on the path. If you accept to be killed then you don't know what will happen. You gave up your power over others. Will you be saved or will you stay dead for being naive and giving away power. When the "devil" gave me that choice I told him
>lmao you cannot kill me and I refuse to kill!
the reply to that was a long complaining and angry rant how I am an insufferable faggot every lifetime for doing shit like this at every awakening process and never doing what others tell me. Also being attacked with an arsenal of weapons that I just ejected from myself. I knew the joke already. You make a connection with your victim/murderer and you will be "reunited" where you either continue this cycle by changing the sides or finally make up in a way and forget each other. I thought I am beyond this already. Even summoned "Sophia" so she can calm down the "devil" because yada yada I don't care for basics like this. She gave me an extremely angry look for doing that. I didn't understand why (and didn't care there were more things happening at that process).
Being too "smart" on the path makes you an ignorant retard sometimes. While I knew mentally the joke already I still didn't understand the full meaning of the process. I didn't understand the emotional and other deeper parts of it. The process gave me an incomplete "part". Indecisiveness. The Fool who doesn't even starts to walk the path. The Fool that is too foolish to be the fool.
As I started to awaken more and more parts of my being I realized I have 0 drive to walk the path. Why even do things when it results in a mess that I have to untangle by myself in the end? I decided to continue my awakening process so I could figure out what to even do. If I have a clearer vision I will know what to do. But the problem stayed with me. No drive to move forward. The knife solved that. I finally killed my indecisive part and I felt some weird drive awakening in me. I didn't realize what is it back then. Well when you kill you have to continue "moving on" can't stay there with your corpse. You either flee or hide the body run from police etc. And the victim has to die and go through the painful process unwillingly. At deaths door awakens either the will to survive or the process of going to the afterlife. A great energy surge that can be tapped only a few times.