>>463

This channeling was extremely useful. I wanted to post yesterday but this site went down several times when I tried to post it didn't make me paranoid at all h-haha

As I was continuously emitting my soot I have no idea where the author of Shadow House got the whole idea from but it's extremely similar how it works it became apparent that I need to do something with it because it just goes back. No natural way of grounding "negative" energy worked. Didn't work if I put in the ground or letting it wash away with the water. It just slowly returned. I even gave a piece to the Gazer maybe she can eat it but took a bite of it and gave me an expression of some real unsavory food.
Because of it's "magnetic" sticking back to me attribute I made a magnet to stick to it instead. It worked but the magnet needed to be powered constantly and as it dragged more and more soot to it it needed more power so I built it a giant locker/safe locked it and sealed it away. When I was at the filling of the 2nd container that is where the problems began. I got back my agility and strength because my spine cleared up but as I reached the outer edge of my lungs I started to have the feelings of a slight fever, my movements and thoughts became hasty and clumsy, my vision started to blur a little and I started coughing uncontrollably. First I thought it's because of some energy channels reactivated and it is trying purge the thing by itself. But these symptoms are not something I can afford atm so I let the second container back into my body. It wasn't a good idea I knew that but I didn't have a better idea at that moment and I needed my stability back. The stability came back, symptoms of cold gone but the soot... It didn't go back where it came from. It went back where it could: into my mouth/lungs/intestines it even gave a metallic/artificial taste (I was wondering for several hours what ever could cause a weird taste like that... no wonder the Gazer didn't like it). So today went by with balancing the slower cleansing process that keeps my spine working (because letting back too much in caused all sorts of pain that usually only old people have) and not letting the cleansing reach the stage where I get sick. As I was studying the way it grows back, because it grows back with every negative thought/memory... I couldn't believe it first so I experimented with so many thoughts but all of them were sorta "negative" so I will not list all of them. As the cleansing continued it had great effect on my personality and outlook of life. I thought this is only possible by having a well balanced, happy and fulfilling life. the thing I am not having in the past years I was pondering about a lot of things like how this may have shielded me from anything or has any value at all but my conclusion was that it shielded me only from the negativity of "others". Because my darkness was so big other's darkness had no effect or if it had it was extremely minimal so I concluded that this feature is sorta optimal in the current nightmare world... but it still doesn't worth all this pain and albeit slowly but I need to get rid of it.

This was the point when so many things made sense. I got an extreme headache. From both sides. This Darkness "lives" and it sorta knows how it kills me so it let me take away parts of it but doesn't want me to completely remove it. So I promised him I will store him away and find a purpose for him. I told him even animal shit can have a nourishing effect for the plants but then it was sorta angry for using the shit analogy when I talk about him. It's all my negative personality traits... unbelievable. Guess I have to rediscover my "personality" again and again.