Also forgot to mention when talking about nerve over stimulation is that now my kinda broken energy circuits are "mended" and because my past was about running of fumes and no matter how broken things were I made them work via sheer willpower like the USSR worked most of the time but now my energies are flowing even in relaxed states and I have to realize I have to get even more relaxed but being too relaxed is like "I don't feel my body" because I got used to straining myself all the time. It's like there is a false subconscious fear that I will fall or fly away because I am not straining myself. It's like being in the perfect meditative state during daytime. It's unfamiliar for my flesh because my life was just too stressful and it just fears that I am just "too lax" to see the problems and the funny thing my energies and my brain just works far better at the perfect relaxation levels and I have to "rediscover them". Hard to put effort into effortlessness.

The worst part was finding out that I kinda "died" when I was around 4 years old and I kept myself alive via sheer willpower then realized I am not completely dead in my teens but I need to get a level of autonomy to get my growth back because people are so good at sabotaging each other it's unbelievable. I had to realize that "feeling alive" concept also got perverted nowadays