>>5898
You are dealing with a what would be a very traumatizing event. First a Human to Pony transformation than he is out and about. Such a change would be a shock to anyone and I'd imagine their mental well being would be put into question for awhile. Especially since he seems to be retaining some of his humanity over a full mind control that I've seen at the fics I've peaked at with that setting. It seems like one could say that this needs to be drawn out a lot longer and Fred being a whole lot more shell shocked and worn by the experience. Though after thinking about it I'm not sure that criticism would be fair. You know how sometimes traumatizing events just pass by and the person experiencing them having little recollection of how they got from one moment to the next? This feels like you were aiming for that feeling. Though my initial reaction to Fred was that it felt like he was too well adjusted to being a pony but in humanity sudden events can just strike on upon you and only later realize the significance of them (I can't believe it he really is gone...). I can't fully judge that is what you did based on this part alone but it has that feel to me so it maybe a positive.

The guards leaving really felt too abrupt but I can't be sure if that is do to some reason that would make sense later. I don't know why Fred is a Pegicorn but that could be interesting or it could be a total disaster (I do like the pre fandom influenced Pegicorn concept that I sometimes see in fics.) Carlos and Fred could be a great duo or they may need significant work. All and all this sequence I really can't offer that much else of an opinion on it's own as a lot of things could be made or broken with more information on the story.