>>5925>Most likely I am going to make your eyes bleed sooner or later
Everybody is OCD about something; thank you for your understanding.> making it harder for an outsider to judge this text properly
I suppose. That's *always
* been my downfall -- I have intricate thoughts, thus my tales have subtleties that intrigue me
but simultaneously to remind myself of certain factual realities I add heavy-handed and short-cut statements to "finish" the tale so I can get back to what I'm trying to say ... and it turns out other people aren't like me.
It's a cultural thing, in part. That is, I was home-schooled but had no friends nor was I even vaguely accepted the few times I was in public school -- and then I had no friends at work until this last decade, and they mostly just put up with me as the bright-eyed outcast they occasionally talk over the top of.
I can speak, though, to the matter of 'glossing over' the moments of transformation. Partly, this tale isn't about Fred learning to be a pony, but Fred's unsullied and insatiable desire to be his own master; a Tom Bombadil of Equestria if you will.
And he knows (guesses correctly) that the official ponification route doesn't allow for personal mastery. Unfortunately, now that he's a god with a target on his plot & a price on his forelock that greatly precludes a simple life of personal mastery also.
"Oops" he might say to himself, centuries later.
Too, you have to consider this is the latter half of the first chapter of a NaNoWriMo effort. Are you familiar with that "program" ? 50,000 words in 30 days.
I made it, so there is a great deal that happens but when I hit the target wordcount I just ... quit.
There are two glaring problems with the whole of this piece. The first is the village that we meet a chapter or two from what I posted. You remember I said I let my mane down writing it?
Fred gets laid by literally every mare in the village that first night, and he doesn't even speak Ponish (The language barrier is another AU-element to this piece, although I weave that into the force-of-magic forcing conformity on the natives).
Granted that might
be okay but that level
accidental domination is never repeated but I relied on it to explain how Fred (who named himself Forest Fire to 'blend in') grew so quickly in the ways of pony.
Okay, okay so take out the "every mare" part and downgrade it to just the one mare, who was "assigned" to his care because she was the only non-illiterate whose weekend was coming up.
There's another, glaring problem. I don't know who the real antagonist is.
As the story sits now, just as Fred makes contact with Rocks Paint (Carlos' pony name) and the other HLF rejects who are still planning an uprising from within the system, a solar flare (the sun goes dark because it's been turned into a laser) burns Fred's village to ash instantly.
Celestia blames Fred, Fred blames George (an immortal griffon that we meet shortly after the first solar flare)
And originally George was responsible. But first: I came to like his foppish charactr. And second: he has no motive and probably no opportunity/skill to pull it off) Someone is trying to kill either Fred or George, and in my head it was NOT
The whoever-it-was was also tearing the fabric of reality apart. Not responsible for the initial CB-universe thing; that was Celestia alright but someone else is tearing smaller holes but: why? and, are the solar flares even deliberate? How could you not-be-invading but 'grab' their sun and squash it down to a small, destructive point?
What's their angle? What's their end-goal? WHO ARE THEY
I don't know. So I quit writing. But I hold out hope.