Anon 05/19/2020 (Tue) 05:04:26 No.6031 del
>>6024
>>6025
>>6026
”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation town for human newfoals. She did not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
VS
”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation-town for human newfoals. She didst not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
I frankly lean more to the 'didst' and 'wouldst'. This naturally comes with the caveats that I have little experience writing for Luna in this way and that I'm not sure I have the best grasp for telling you if it is erroneous.

But she just stared at the wine glass for a breath, then said without looking up. ”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Tell Korp to sleep under the stars. Tell her that I wish to speak with her, if thou wish.”
VS
”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not merely upon the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Instruct Korp to sleep under the stars; that I wish to speak with her." Blinking for a moment, perhaps realizing she might not have much control over a fellow alicornified conscript who could hide even from dream, she somewhat more meekly added "If thou wouldst."
The sentence you added here 100% yes. It adds expression and makes the writing less sparse (though I think your writing is only moderately sparse at some points from what I've seen so far and I consider it serviceable). It also is a subtle sign of the power dynamic. Luna isn't submitting but is taking a step back. In fact I say that as a whole for this sequence/clip is much better written than the first.

>Also I don't care because this is about accidental alicorns, not historical accuracy.
I'd say that Luna herself would lend herself to a more lenient portrayal of such speech considering the whimsical nature of the show even in a setting such as this.