>>7767
>>7768
The FiMfiction threads has always been one of the more tolerable threads on cuckchan in my humble opinion though a little persnickety. Then again, never ask them for much advice, so perhaps that is do to my lack of interactions.

(>He follows her gaze and sees Upper Crust, looking out of place.
>Roasting Hops can't breathe.
>Anon looks back at her, and uses a quick head-tip to point at Upper Crust.
>Roasted Hops nods, once.

>Anon sits up straight, wipes his tears away.
>She realizes she had been holding her breath.
>She has read his body language; there won't be bloodshed over this.
"Can I … hug you?")

This part is really strong. There is a subtlety with this transition from her fear of her killing Upper Crust to her realization that Anon wasn't rage, but sad devastation.I think the tone is okay otherwise. I mean, edgy immortals possibly are retarded edgelords in the rest of the fic but this is fine.

How long was the horsewords for this and what do you intent to do with it?